Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers