Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
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On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.