After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”