Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn