My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
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A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
The photographer’s assistant
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s