HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.