When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
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[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?