Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
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Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER