[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
You Might Also Like
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Damn what did I do next
ok this is my dumbest yet
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you