Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
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Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I did not eat the cake…
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way