Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
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I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?