my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
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Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”