This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
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I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.