BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
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Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself