Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
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It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
fly smarter, not harder
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.