My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
The glory of fall.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.