I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
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For the ones in the back.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
#Caturday
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.