Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
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When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.