My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
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My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.