[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
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My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?