If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
You Might Also Like
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
selfie game
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage