[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.