A great tip. #CakeRex
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To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Day 2 of my diet
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair