Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER