I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
You Might Also Like
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor