<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
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PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.