I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
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Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
not for long
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
saving face 👀
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.