damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
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Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”