Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?