the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar