Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
You Might Also Like
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
#Caturday
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.