I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
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Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.