Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
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i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Breaking news:
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado