That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
when u come home smelling like another dog
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*