My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread