Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Any refunds available?…
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!