Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
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grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us