Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
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Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”