Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
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[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*