Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?