I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 馃槷
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pok茅mon players?
2) do I care?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased