I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”