[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.