Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
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Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.