Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
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I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I can’t be the only one 😂
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.