[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”