Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
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I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).