When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Going into Monday like
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading