Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
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My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.