Imma just leave this here…………
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Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep